Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
