All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
