remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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