Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
whose parrot is this?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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