im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
