feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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