They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
