I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
