Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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