there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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