I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
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i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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