I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
