Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
