hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
