god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
