Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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