I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
