I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
