I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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