I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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