Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
