Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
