Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
