Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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