my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
