I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
