Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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