I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
