I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Randomize
