so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
