I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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