I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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