My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I smell like Dick and happiness
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
