i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
