i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
