i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
