Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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