my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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