you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
