I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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