having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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