Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
