I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
