did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
