I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
