I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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