Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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