Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
