I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Still dying that you shit outside
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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