Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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