Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
