You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
