so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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