If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
