I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
